Love, Fear And Craze.
In my young life I have experienced lots of different emotions. I have been happy about so many things, afraid for just as many. I have felt victorious and a loser. I have felt lost and found. But felt quite nothing like the feeling of love ever before.
I was 21 years old at that time. She was a fresh face. One of which I knew from the first moment on, I would never forget. I just knew. She was stunning. As I got to know her I felt compelled to her. She had something that kept me busy. I know what it was: a mind that thought alike. And, no, not many minds can go along with mine. But hers did. The moment we found out, a connection was made. At that time, it seemed as some kind of pure bond.
Craze took over. The concept of two persons having the understanding of each other in a way not a lot of people experience, was totally new and unknown. It was scaring too. It was like walking in the most beautiful room I had ever seen, and not wanting to be in there, because somehow I thought, that my presence would make the room less beautiful. It was perfect as it was. But the truth is, without me in it, the existence of the room is just a memory, even less: an imagination. I cannot live it.
That is the moment I sorrow for having left the room. Out of fear. The realization that love is not imaginable, once you have experienced it, is haunting. The fullest passion I’ve wanted to live up to, the bond I forever wanted to have, just slipped away. Trough the fingers of my hands. I squeeze my hands, but nothing in it. Empty handed I lived one. My hands touched on and on. But remained empty.
Now for the first time I feel like having put my hands on someone that I might want to hold on to. But before I know that, I will have to open myself up to her. Look for the pureness, and the essential input from my instincts. I fear never to love. Actually I fear the craze. Although I described it in one paragraph, the craze had its spell on me for about a year. It took a lot to get over it. Time was after all my friend. And now I always hold a distance, just never to get involved again in that way. Get my pleasure, but leave the person.
The room still lures. I want to go in, and live it. Fuck the fear and craze! I want to love, and thus live.